Can we keep our Never Again promise?

 A MUST WATCH...

This Holocaust survivor turned patient rights activist has a history lesson we can all learn from...

Vera Sharav's advocacy achievements include: suspension of Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) pesticide experiment (CHEERS) on children; complaint led to two federal investigations on the use of children in foster care as guinea pigs in experimental AIDS drug and vaccine trials; suspension of smallpox vaccine on children; suspension of “violence prediction” experiment that exposed 6–11 year old NYC boys of color to fenfluramine ; opened a public debate about the ethics of relapse-inducing experiments in schizophrenia patients. Organized families and victims of unethical research to join her in testifying before the National Bioethics Advisory Committee (NBAC) — re: unethical experimentation on mentally disabled psychiatric patients; those testimonies led to a prize-winning series in the Boston Globe, “Doing Harm: Research on the Mentally Ill” — ultimately resulting in the shutdown of 29 clinical trials at the National Institute of Mental Health (1999).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_EDV_7s7Dc&feature=youtu.be

Best Life Ever

I suppose it seems pathological to spend time knowing what you'd like on your tombstone, especially when you're not even sure you believe in tombstones, but since Ross and Ben and Shen and Tatum, I've known that that's what I'd want it to say.

There has been, there will be more, suffering.  It doesn't impact how I feel.  This life has far exceeded my expectations.  I've already experienced love beyond my imagination, have enjoyed so many miraculous surprises... wish after wish has only proven that my imagination is insufficient.  There are hard things and painful things and I don't get everything I want, but even that has contributed to the richness of it.  Comfort, it turns out, is numbing. And discomfort so very revealing. I've had so many opportunities to grow... and sometimes I've even seized those opportunities.

And my mistakes - they have been profound and even catastrophic at times - but they have made some of my good decisions feel nothing short of miraculous.

Ross is my favorite. My best decision ever. I've made a life out of growing with him.  Sometimes I lay awake at night just smiling and crying at my incredible luck.

I don't know what's ahead. Right now I don't want to dwell on it.  I just want to be right here in this moment, grateful that all the best things I can think of are right here in my life.

Model it for me. Please.

Today is the Women's March on Washington... and everywhere, really. There are marches taking place all over the world and I have been invited to participate a number of times. But I'm not participating.  And while that's not a statement in itself, it kind of feels like one.  It makes people ask who I voted for.  It makes people question whether I'm really supportive of women.  And that makes me question whether this really is a movement that is supportive of all women.  There are a lot of different kinds of women.  Do we all get to be respected? Or is it only the ones who hate Trump, support Hillary and wear knit pink hats to prove it?  I'm really not sure. I have a lot of mixed feelings. So I'm sitting this one out and I'm trying to see what it really means.

Facebook is a little hard to look at today. I want women to feel empowered, but this doesn't feel like empowered.  It feels like resistance.  It feels like propping up a symbol of hate and hating on it.  It feels like creating a giant Trump piñata spouting "pussy grabbing" quotes and giving women sticks. It feels a little heavy on blame.  Men aren't the only ones holding women back.  And neither are the women who are asking women to answer tough questions and take responsibility for some of their own unhappiness and dissatisfaction. It's an important day to observe what women do when the power and the podium are in their hands.  Will they model the support, fairness, equality and respect that they are asking for or will they dismiss and ridicule the people they claim are haters?

I want women to feel strong, empowered, loved and accepted, and I know there is some good in this. Or there can be. But not in an echo chamber. And not without navigating disagreements and differences of opinion with our values in tact.  I believe that real empowerment is cultivated, and therefore, can only happen one small brave moment at a time.  I think today might feel invigorating and inspiring for many women and it may give them a voice and that is amazing. But then we need to come out of the safe, supportive bubble of a Women's march and bring our voices into the "real world" where everyone will not see things in quite the same way and no one is "right".  Authentic voices must survive outside of the choir.

I hope they will.  And I hope they'll be voices in support not condemnation.

In a nutshell, Trader Joe's is killing me .

Ok, not Trader Joe's exactly.  But sort of.  "In a nutshell" is as much to blame.  They're both part of the beautifully convenient monster we've created.

I happen to love Trader Joe's with it's pre-packaged knock-offs, reasonable prices and the promise of non-GMO food (otherwise known as "food").  But since the roof collapsed on our local TJs in January I've had to confront an inconvenient truth:  Trader Joe's is part of my "runner-up" lifestyle.  It's not the clean, healthy and balanced lifestyle I aspire to, but it's some of the best processed food around. Some of it is even organic. And that's something. At least that's what I tell myself when I'm in a hurry.  And I'm in a hurry way too often. 

The path of least resistance is so shiny and pretty.  It's lined with ease and convenience in every size, flavor and color.  Superfood pills, delivery services, remotes, apps, snapchats and portable/disposable everything are available at the press of a button. Information and news is delivered in easily digestible soundbites so I can "know" everything in no time at all. All this so I can move at the speed of life, which only continues to accelerate.  

Theoretically, I should be getting things done and saving loads of time for other more meaningful things, but instead I feel the laws of physics taking hold.  An object in motion does indeed tend to stay in motion.  And somehow, rather than advancing, I find my skills and resourcefulness deteriorating while I run around like a hamster on a state-of-the-art wheel.

"Use it or lose it" becomes profoundly scary when I realize that I have forfeited significant muscle memory and brain power to the ever-growing array of modern convenience.  Now that my life is stored on my phone, I no longer know the phone numbers of my closest friends and struggle to remember appointments without it.  I noticed in a recent yoga class that I was doing a stretch that I used to do every time I backed out of a parking spot.  It felt great - like I really needed it - but I rarely do that stretch outside of yoga since they put rearview cameras in cars. Somewhere along the way, quality of life became about ease and we started opting out.  But taking shortcuts through life doesn't sound like a very good idea as I watch kids let autocorrect handle their spelling mistakes.  Nor does spending it immobilized in front of a screen.

 

In recent years, my family has embarked on some lifestyle research, making trips to Costa Rica to discover the secrets of "Pura Vida" or "Pure Life".  These trips are not about lounging on beach chaises while people bring us fancy cocktails with tiny umbrellas, yet they heal and fulfill us in ways that luxury vacations never have.  They are about getting enough sleep and waking with the sun to the sound of howler monkeys.  This lifestyle requires us to walk to the farmer's market to buy fresh produce and make a separate stop at to buy fresh catch of the day.  We chop vegetables and eat food that was recently alive and we taste the difference. We do our own laundry and compost our food scraps.  We spend lots of time outside being active and then retreat to the shade, when the rains come or when the heat peaks, to rest.  We go surfing.  We do yoga.  We sweat... a lot. We rely on the cooperation of our environment and our neighbors to get what we need and nature dictates they rhythm of our day.  Sometimes we confront challenges and we have to get creative.  And when we get to the other side of those challenges, we feel a great sense of achievement and connection.

Pure Vida is not convenient and it's conspicuously void of shortcuts.  But it is healthy, delicious and meaningful and it's a lifestyle I would love to bring to my everyday.  If there is a formula to Pura Vida, it goes something like this:

Slow down.

Go barefoot.

Read novels, not excerpts.

Make your own food and eat it with someone you love.

Equal amounts of play and rest.

Notice breathing, sleeping, and smiling.  Savor them.

Stop and smell the flowers.

Recalibrate to the rhythm of nature.

Taking the scenic route through life may take longer, and that's great. It's a journey I'd like to enjoy.

Who Do You Think You Are?

No, really.  It’s just a simple question. 

Or is it?

I tend to check myself when this question is asked, or even implied - imposing a critical review of everything I’ve said or done in recent history to warrant that kind of attention.  I often feel like the question has become a means of telling us we’ve stepped out of line, a way of intimidating us back into whatever collective thinking rules the day, because it almost always has the strong undertones of How Dare You.

But I would like to take the judgment out of those words and infuse them with something different.  I would like to ask the question as an invitation to consider all the possibilities of you. 

Who do you think you are?

And then.

Who would you like to be?

And then I would like to dare you… to be the person you would most like to be.

In exchange, I will try to offer you my most authentic self.  “Try” being the operative word, because authenticity is naked and scary.  But it will be a little easier for both of us if we try it together. It will require us to be courageous, because we won’t see everything the same way.  We will probably disagree about some things and that will be uncomfortable.  But perhaps we will also find that some of our dark and shameful spaces are shared and common spaces, and that will let in some light.

If we can tolerate the discomfort, I bet we will learn things from each other that will blow our minds and our worlds wide open.  We won’t always find agreement, but we can work on respect.  I would like to get really good at respect.

We will have to remind ourselves not to take it personally, because we will probably trigger each other.  I may say something and you might think, why would she say such a thing or what’s that supposed to mean?  In that case, I hope you will ask why would you say that? or what do you mean?  Maybe the answer will surprise you.  Maybe it won’t and you will have to tell me how it feels to be on the other side of me when I say those things.  Hopefully I will be strong enough to hear those things.

But let’s jump in and try.  I’m a little scared, too, but let’s see what happens when we use our lives as the canvases on which we answer the question: Who Do You Think You Are?  Let’s revel in our truths and make this life our masterpiece.

I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours.

To my Shenshine on her 9th birthday

You know the story.  We wished for you. 

I wrote you letters before I even knew Daddy.  I wished for you to be STRONG.  I wished you courage.  I wished you beauty - the deep down to your soul kind.  I wished you compassion and humor.  And, of course, health. All the best things I knew how to wish for, I wished for you.  But that was only the beginning

And then you arrived - all of my wishes and then some.  It never occurred to me to wish for eyes that sparkled the way that yours do, in a color I'd never imagined.  I hadn't thought to wish for laughter that could change the air in the room, or that dazzling sunshine smile. You will unlock hearts with that smile.  And your curiosity: you will change the world with those questions you're always asking.  The best questions.

I know it's hard sometimes, to feel so deeply, to notice everything the way that you do.  And to care so much.  I know it makes life harder sometimes. But it will make life richer, too.  Every day I see you growing, turning challenges into lesson into gifts.  I love the way you shine them, and share them with everyone around you. 

Thank you for taking all my wishes and multiplying them!  You are better than our wildest dreams of you.

Happy Birthday, Shenshine!  You truly rock!

Remember "Use it or lose it"?

I'm struck by the catch phrases lately. The top 10 lists. The sound bites, abbreviations, loopholes and Cliff's notes that dominate our culture. If life is supposed to be about the journey and not the destination, why are we dedication so much of our time looking for short cuts?

The Oxford English Dictionary recently added 65 words. Not surprisingly, many of the words were actually abbreviations and acronyms for words we're now too lazy to say. I'm concerned about raising my children in a place where "TL;DR" (too long; didn't read) is one of the most widely used new "words". No wonder this generation is experiencing such acute FOMO ("fear of missing out") - another word that was made official in the dictionary this year - people are literally skipping over anything that takes too long. And since we've grown accustomed to getting things quickly, that "too long" window continues to shrink.

I'm trying to think of where we went wrong, because I'm fairly certain we started off with good intentions. We generally do. I suspect that "progress" was the seed that blossomed into this world of instant gratification, which has quietly drained us of patience, creativity and inspiration. We've spent the last several decades working to make life easier. At first it was inspiration and innovation - we had this wonderful idea that we could improve our quality of life and we worked to create these brilliant modern conveniences. Televisions, microwaves and fast food transformed our lives. And then we went from TV to TV remotes to TiVo. Home-cooked meals became TV dinners became Ensure. Conversations became e-mails became texts.

Giving the people what they want has changed the people. We may actually be less of ourselves, thanks to modern technology and a world of conveniences. Because, really, what is the end game when we accelerate everything and burn calories faster? That sounds to me like using up our bodies faster; and we kind of need those to live. What happens when we make a habit of seeking out the "no brainers"? Doesn't it stand to reason that, after making decision after decision without actually engaging our minds, hearts, and consciences; we may eventually have trouble accessing them? Thinking, exploring, feeling, discovering - they are activities I want to embrace. And, while ease and speed can be great, they can also deprive us of opportunities to practice patience and develop problem-solving skills among other things. Without those, we’re increasingly dependent on a quick fix and outside resources and we lose out on the satisfaction of overcoming life’s challenges.

So I see this vicious cycle developing. We can't wait for results and it takes too long to learn. We need to work longer hours to earn more money so we can pay other people to do things we don't have time to do. Other people do our research for us, weigh our options and spoonfeed us “in a nutshell” information that influence our decisions. We’re accept the easily digestible images on billboards and the 30 second ads that tell us we can (and should) lose weight without exercising and changing our diets. Why spend the time exploring the origins of what ails you when you can pop a pill?

In those uncomfortable moments, when I don’t like the way I look in my full-length mirror, or when I’ve pushed the caffeine intake/sleep deprivation ratio to migraine-inducing levels, the magic pills are tempting. And I often think that I’m “saving myself a trip”, when I spend an extra hour in front of a computer screen placing online orders instead of going into town to buy the things I need. But I’m rethinking my priorities. I am reminding myself that, just because there are products that will make my body forge ahead when I'm overworked, exhausted or in pain, it doesn’t mean they benefit me. Even if (especially if) they make me skinny. I am realizing that the easy way out, is often the way out of really living my life.

There’s merit in getting through difficult moments – actually feeling the feelings and then working through them - or at least exploring how I got to them. I think it’s worthwhile to get beyond the self-disgust, resignation, sadness or frustration and look at things from a different perspective. There are lessons and challenges within them. There are ways to grow buried just under the surface of these moments.

In 2014, I'm trying to find my way back. I will catch myself operating on autopilot. and I will stop and look around. I will hear what the experts have to say, but I will look at the information for myself and trust my own instincts. I will stop and take walks even if they don’t lead to checking something off my list. I will learn for the love of learning and I will not let a sound bite determine what I should wear, buy, eat or look like. This year, I plan to embrace the challenges. I want to learn the lesson for myself, even if I make mistakes and it takes longer and I have to stop and think and do things differently than everyone around me. And it will be intentional. I’m going to count my blessings and use my gifts. Every one of them.