Time Sucker

I love this computer.
I hate this computer.

Somebody get me a daisy so I can make up my mind...

I love that I can access so much from right here.
I hate that I can get sucked in for an hour just by stopping to check my e-mail.
I love that I can be just a few feet from my kids while I shop and do research.
I hate that I can be so far from my kids just a few feet away.
I love that I can keep in touch with friends so easily.
I hate that I've become so lazy about picking up the phone or visiting in person.
I love that I can get things done so comfortably on a miserable day.
I hate that I sit here typing away while sun shines and breezes blow outside...

Out of petals. I think I really do hate this computer. At least on a sunny day like this one. Time to live without a screen in front of me.

See ya!

My Promise to Me

I don't know how I want to write, but I will write.
I don't know what I want to write about, but I will write.
I don't know when I'll find the time, but I will find it. I will make it.
I don't know who will read it, but I'll write for me.
I don't know what will inspire me, but I'll look for inspiration everywhere.
And I will read.
And I will write.

And one day I'll read what I've written and I'll find genius. And I will be inspiration.

It's a promise to myself that I intend to keep

Aiming to please

The thing is, there are just too many damn targets and you're bound to miss most of them. It's a set-up for failure.

So while I'd love for everyone to be happy, I give up on trying to make that happen. Let's see if I can make myself happy... and just hope it's contagious.

Ready, aim, fire!

My Sign

At about 9:30 Friday night I threw up. I was feeling agitated. I couldn't sit still. I was just out of sorts. And I couldn't stop thinking about Debbie. I was watching the "So You Think You Can Dance" show I'd DVR'd the night before to try to unwind and just take my mind off things. And thats when the song came on.

Feeling Good. I know the Nina Simone version, but it was the newer one that was playing on the show. Didn't matter though - it's all in the words. It's the song I told Ross I wanted everyone to hear in the event that I died of anything painful or long-suffering to let them know that I was ok. It's one of my "things". I'm always thinking of ways that I can let people know not to be too sad if anything ever happens.

The song played at 10:04pm. I looked at the clock as soon as it started because I'd been waiting to hear it. I was looking for my own sign and that was it. And then I just waited.

I got the call the next day. She passed at 10:01.

Thank you, Debbie, for sharing a part of your life with me. It was a pleasure knowing you. You inspire me.


FEELING GOOD (Anthony newley, leslie bricusse)

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Reeds driftin on by you know how I feel

(refrain:)
Its a new dawn
Its a new day
Its a new life
For me
And Im feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom in the tree you know how I feel

(refrain)

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, dont you know
Butterflies all havin fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
Thats what I mean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

Looking for signs

I've been visiting whenever I can. Me and my little toolkit. Gold needles, frankincense and myrrh. She seemed to like geranium oil... Whatever I think might help. But I feel like I'm fumbling through this now... hoping it's divinity and not desperation that's guiding me.

Darlene is fighting for her. She does everything she can think of to allow her to make her own choice - but windows of opportunity seem to be closing. Obstacles popping up everywhere. And she can't discern truth from fear from hope from delusion. And neither can I. So she's asked for a sign. Just something to let her know which way to go... whether she needs help holding on or letting go. Maybe a Bonnie Raitt song. She'll keep the radio on.

I watched Darlene tell her that it's ok to go. I watched her flinch as she said the words. Her pain is palpable and it's hard to say who is suffering more. So please, a sign. Darlene needs a sign.

Her hand moved

I saw it move. Her palm was face down and I saw her try to move it, almost turned up and then dropped again. All in the space of a second. I had just finished massaging her feet and ankles and was stimulating the acupuncture needles in her ear. I was joking with her and Darlene about how my lowest grades in school were in massage... and her hand moved.

And I should have said something right then because she must have been trying to say something. I KNOW she was reacting. But Darlene was sharing a story and I got sidetracked. And I don't know how I can get sidetracked like that, but I did. And I forgot to get back to it. And I should have told Darlene. And I should have acknowledged it out loud so she knew that I saw her. Because I saw her! And I know it must have taken so much effort to move that way. And what torture it must be to try to communicate something and have it go unnoticed. But I noticed. I can't believe I didn't say so.

This morning when Darlene walked in, she grabbed her hand and brought it over to her heart. So she can. And she knows what's going on.

I don't think I can sleep until I get back there to tell her that I saw her move. I know it's just as much for me as for her, but I have to do everything I can.