Sleepwalking again

Almost walked right into a pile of shit. Grazed it even.

And it doesn't take long. Just the blink of an eye really.

A little time in front of the television that could have been spent talking.
Preoccupation with dinner preparation when I could be enjoying my children.
Checking e-mails instead of painting.
Or exercising.
Or laughing.
Missing a few meals... and a few other things that could feed my soul.
Not going for that walk.
Or reading.
Or writing.
Being angry.
Wasting time trying to be right.
Online shopping... I mean, come on.
Going, going, going when I need to just be.
And stopping when I need to keep going.

And it's just a week... and then a month... and then, suddenly, it's my life.

And I don't want to waste it. Time to wake up so I can be a part of my real dreams.

It's a hard knock life for Ethan Hawke

That's just complete speculation. I'm basing it almost entirely on the way the lines have been carved into his face. That, and I read his first novel. And I suspect he was much more like his "Reality Bites" character than he'd ever want to admit. But really it's that hardness in his face. If you watch "Before Sunset" and watch the flashbacks to scenes from "Before Sunrise", you'll see some of what I mean. Go back to "Dead Poet's Society" and it's even more apparent. Even "Mystery Date".

Yes, I saw that in the theater. No, I'm not a stalker.

It's just that face of his. He could do "awe" and "bewilderment" like no one else. All pale and purity and peaches and cream. That sweet face in "Dead Poet's Society".

I met him briefly, if you can call it meeting, at the Paul Simon concert in Central Park in 1991... I think. I told him that I liked him in "White Fang" because it was all I could think to say. He came over to say hello later on and hung out for a minute and massaged my shoulders until the end of a song (sad that I can't remember the song). I think he was hoping that I had beer and would offer him some. I didn't. Whatever. Didn't matter. A cute movie star gave me a back rub - I wasn't hung up on ulterior motives.

Years later we must have lived in the same neighborhood. Or maybe HE was the stalker, because I saw him everywhere when I lived in Chelsea. He always looked cool and tense and full of potential. And always handsome in a scrappy kind of way. But harder over the years. And then I'd see articles and interviews. Always intelligence and philosophy... and angst. And then the divorce. Divorce always sucks.

So I think he's had a hard time of things. Or at least he takes everything pretty seriously. All the wounds are deep. Everything leaves a scar. Thus the lines.

Don't get me wrong, he's still handsome. He evolved from wide-eyed and adorable to a kind of raw and sexy. But there's just something heartbreaking about it. I always wonder if he'd do it all over again.

It reminds me of something one of the Dominican nuns told me back in Catholic school. The way Sister Mary Joseph told it, Leonardo Da Vinci was looking for a model to be the infant Jesus in Adoration of the Magi and sought out the most pure, cherubic face he could find. Years later, when he began to pain The Last Supper, he was seeking an entirely different look for his model for Judas. But by coincidence, he ended up picking the very same model from years before. Sister Mary Joseph went on to explain that this man, who has once been the model for the baby Jesus, had not lived a very "clean" and "pure" life and grew up to look like a traitor. Now, I don't know if that story has any truth to it. This was the same nun who warned us that french kissing led to mortal sin and could ultimately land us in hell... the nun who started me wondering just how many people could possibly end up getting into heaven anyway if that was the case... and did I really want to spend forever and ever and EVER with THEM?!

Anyway, it just reminds me of Ethan. Either way, I give it up to him. I think he has earned every line somehow. Blood and sweat were shed to get that chiseled face. I suppose it's the reason he can conjure so much with it.

Time Sucker

I love this computer.
I hate this computer.

Somebody get me a daisy so I can make up my mind...

I love that I can access so much from right here.
I hate that I can get sucked in for an hour just by stopping to check my e-mail.
I love that I can be just a few feet from my kids while I shop and do research.
I hate that I can be so far from my kids just a few feet away.
I love that I can keep in touch with friends so easily.
I hate that I've become so lazy about picking up the phone or visiting in person.
I love that I can get things done so comfortably on a miserable day.
I hate that I sit here typing away while sun shines and breezes blow outside...

Out of petals. I think I really do hate this computer. At least on a sunny day like this one. Time to live without a screen in front of me.

See ya!

My Promise to Me

I don't know how I want to write, but I will write.
I don't know what I want to write about, but I will write.
I don't know when I'll find the time, but I will find it. I will make it.
I don't know who will read it, but I'll write for me.
I don't know what will inspire me, but I'll look for inspiration everywhere.
And I will read.
And I will write.

And one day I'll read what I've written and I'll find genius. And I will be inspiration.

It's a promise to myself that I intend to keep

Aiming to please

The thing is, there are just too many damn targets and you're bound to miss most of them. It's a set-up for failure.

So while I'd love for everyone to be happy, I give up on trying to make that happen. Let's see if I can make myself happy... and just hope it's contagious.

Ready, aim, fire!

My Sign

At about 9:30 Friday night I threw up. I was feeling agitated. I couldn't sit still. I was just out of sorts. And I couldn't stop thinking about Debbie. I was watching the "So You Think You Can Dance" show I'd DVR'd the night before to try to unwind and just take my mind off things. And thats when the song came on.

Feeling Good. I know the Nina Simone version, but it was the newer one that was playing on the show. Didn't matter though - it's all in the words. It's the song I told Ross I wanted everyone to hear in the event that I died of anything painful or long-suffering to let them know that I was ok. It's one of my "things". I'm always thinking of ways that I can let people know not to be too sad if anything ever happens.

The song played at 10:04pm. I looked at the clock as soon as it started because I'd been waiting to hear it. I was looking for my own sign and that was it. And then I just waited.

I got the call the next day. She passed at 10:01.

Thank you, Debbie, for sharing a part of your life with me. It was a pleasure knowing you. You inspire me.


FEELING GOOD (Anthony newley, leslie bricusse)

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Reeds driftin on by you know how I feel

(refrain:)
Its a new dawn
Its a new day
Its a new life
For me
And Im feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom in the tree you know how I feel

(refrain)

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, dont you know
Butterflies all havin fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
Thats what I mean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel