You're so vain

I bet you think this blog is about you.

...don't you? don't you?...

Well, it's actually about me. Turns out I'm the vain one.

I don't WANT to be vain. I hate that preoccupation with designer everything and perfect hair and a face full of make-up. What a waste of time. But it was way easier to have disdain for all those dyes and fad diets before the gray hair and cellulite made it's debut. Now I find myself tempted to buy those creams and chemicals that I know don't work in the hopes that maybe they will. I've been spending time in front of the mirror with a pair of tweezers hunting down those grays. And with every extra pound I find myself wearing heels just a little bit higher to make my legs appear just a little bit longer, as they continue to get wider.

The thing is I was counting on aging gracefully. I was planning on going the route of Audrey Hepburn - every beautiful line on my face the result of smiling sweetly while working tirelessly to help children in third world countries (do I even have that right about her?). And thin, of course, because I'd be too busy changing the world to ever linger in front of the fridge. I'd conveniently forgotten about the effects of three kids and all the food I end up cleaning off their plates. And I just didn't realize how it would all sneak up on me.

And I suppose the other thing I never expected was that I'd care so much. Honestly, I'm not 18 anymore. You'd think I'd be mature enough to just live my life and get on with it already. I look fine. Give me a shower and some time to get ready, I can even look good. I've already attracted the most important things into my life, so if I needed looks to get them, then they've already served me pretty well. Time to pass the torch to the 20 year olds and let them be the pretty ones, right? But, no. If I'm going to be totally honest, I'd still like to be "hot".

And just out of principle, I won't let myself invest too much of my energy in that direction, but I still care. I'm determined to be a woman of wisdom and character. And if I have to admit that I'm vain, at least I can hold my ground and not slip into utter shallowness. Besides, what I REALLY want is to be beautiful, and I mean the mind, soul... that quality that shines through from somewhere behind the eyes. I'm tempted sometimes, but I'm not going to settle. Replacing passion and compassion with make-up and lipo is like trying to substitute crack for nirvana.

I think I'll hold out for the real thing...